Real Kato Blog: Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta

I'm religious in ways I didn't even realize.

I don't know what it is today. I've read three things from the Community Of People Who Write Online Journals (I'm avoiding the word "blogosphere", for Pinky) that have gone straight to my heart.

First, there was this entry from Suburban Bliss*. It was as close I've come to crying at work since I found out our company would no longer be providing free beef jerky. Then, there was this entry from Dooce. It's one of those things that makes you want to say, "Atsababy, Life Is Great." And then, there was this entry from Sarcastic Journalist, which tied it all together for me.

Let me explain.

There are times when I just don't know what to feel about my life. I mean, there are so many good things. I live comfortably. I have great friends. I have a steady job. People love me. I can ride around town in my drop-top Benz.

And then, there are the not-so-good things. I'm far away from my family and I don't see them much. I don't have a companion in life. I get bored with my job. My lawn is full of weeds. My hovercraft is full of eels. When I think about these things, I start to have anxiety that the grass might actually be greener on the other side of the fence.

And often, I wonder if I will ever overcome the struggles that have shaped my life, the things I always thought were grossly unfair. Why did I have to grow up as a foreigner? Why are my wrists so skinny? Why do I have bad skin? You'd need an exterminator to get rid of all the moles I have.

When I counsel my friends (which is often, because I really should have been a psychiatrist, but I didn't know that when I was a stupid computer-obsessed teenage geek), I try to get them to discover the one thing in their lives that they would change if they could... and then I try to get them to do it. Sometimes people discover that they don't want to change anything. I love watching that moment of inspiration, when people realize that their lives are actually great and they wouldn't change a thing. That's such a great thing to witness.

A lot of times, though, people feel trapped. They say things like: "I'd go back to school, but how could I support my family if I weren't working?" "I would move to the country, but my whole life is here in the city." "I'd go out on dates with beautiful people, but I just can't lose this weight." But, but, but. There's always an obstacle.

Ericka, a girl I dated five years ago, once took me to listen to some speaker. I forget what the speaker's name was, but she was promoting a seminar that taught people to get out of their "comfort zones" to improve their lives. Now mind you, it was a brainwashing Ponzi scheme; the course cost thousands of dollars and you would get credits for recruiting other people into the system. Plus, it totally ran counter to my Zen philosophy of finding peace with what life brings you. But even though I declined to sign up for the seminar (and I stopped dating Ericka), I did agree with one aspect of it: a lot of times, people construct artificial obstacles that prevent them from achieving happiness. People do have the power to change their lives and heal themselves, if they would only stop convincing themselves otherwise.

I sometimes wonder if I'm doing this to myself. I always say I'd like to live in the city, but I have too much invested in my suburban house, but it would keep me from achieving my financial goals if I bought a downtown condo, but I need a garage for my car. And when I listen to myself make excuses, I berate myself for being too comfortable and too chicken to change my life.

But today I had a moment of inspiration.

I love my life. And it's not because of all those external things that bring me happiness. It's because I've discovered I have the power to make other people happy. And what's more, I've discovered that I like doing that. And in realizing this, I've realized that I'm a Good Person, and all the "unfair" events that have happened in my life have made me the man that I am.

Some people probably go through their whole lives without realizing if they're Good or Evil. Some people need the Pope to tell them. For me, I get all I need when my closest friends tell me I've made a difference in their lives. That is my religion. That is my salvation.

*Don't go to suburbanbliss.net. Someone else bought the domain and Melissa no longer writes there.

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