Real Kato Blog: The Dating Handbook: Needs

Everyone has needs. We don't want to think of ourselves as "needy", but we all are, in some way. One of the keys to a successful relationship is understanding our own needs and those of our partners.

It's rare that we voice our true needs. Most of the time, they're somewhat embarrassing. You won't hear a woman say, "I need you to tell me I'm beautiful, because my childhood insecurities have manifested themselves as a psychological need for constant image reinforcement." You won't hear a man say, "I need you to let me pay for dinner, because I feel emasculated if I cannot demonstrate my worth as the provider of your meals." But it's feelings like those that are at the root of many of our actions, at a subconscious level.

The "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" theory goes something like this: men have a biologically-rooted need to be important, informative, and powerful, whereas women have a biologically-rooted need to be connected, understood, and loved. I agree with the basic principle of that; but I would argue that all of us have all of those needs, to varying degrees.

In the past, I've had relationships go disastrously awry because I did not understand the woman's needs, or because she didn't understand mine. I continue to hear stories from friends about similar disasters. Here are a few examples (with names changed to protect the guilty).

Example 1. Michael tells Allison, "I think you should change your hairstyle." Allison interprets this as a criticism and gets quite upset, but Michael doesn't understand why, especially since Allison asked him for his opinion. The thing is, Allison asked him about her hairstyle because she wanted to be complimented (needed to be loved) and because she wanted him to be involved in her hairstyle selection process (needed to be connected). But Michael just acted on his own need to be informative. This was just a small fight, but ultimately Michael and Allison broke up. They might have averted the crisis if Allison had asked Michael about something not related to her own self-image, or if Michael had simply pointed out all the positive things about her current hairstyle; either way, they would have each fulfilled each others' needs without jeopardizing their own.

Example 2: Shannon invites Chris over for dinner. Chris is very grateful for the invitation and thanks her for her thoughtfulness, and insists on making dinner for her in return. But by the next day, Shannon seems less than enthusiastic about the relationship, and soon afterwards they are no longer dating. Shannon's motivation for cooking dinner was not to show Chris how much she cared about him (needed to be loved) but because she wanted to demonstrate her cooking prowess (needed to be powerful and important). Chris might have salvaged the evening by complimenting Shannon's culinary skills and gushing about the quality of the food.

Example 3: Susan is getting to know Brian. Brian is knowledgeable about a number of "guy" things, including football, golf, and chess. Susan asks Brian to teach her about those things, because she understands his need to be informative. Brian proceeds to prepare lessons about the 3-4 defense, the one-back set, the proper hand position at the top of a backswing, and the Ruy-Lopez opening. Susan seems interested for a while, but eventually starts to find Brian boring. Brian failed to assess that Susan's "interest" in these activities was only her attempt to be more connected to Brian. Had he figured that out, he might have just spent more time with her doing things that she was interested in.

When I see a successful relationship, it's usually because I see complementary needs. She needs to be protected and he needs to be powerful; she needs to be loved and he needs to be important; she needs to be understood and he needs to understand. Sometimes those kinds of relationships just come about by serendipity; but I think with a little bit of knowledge, we can avoid a lot of miscommunication and greatly increase the odds that we'll get along.

Permalink