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The Dating Handbook: The Rules
Thursday, 2004 December 23 - 11:31 pm
Lots of people have written "rules" about dating. Here are some of mine.

These are some of my official rules of dating. For those of you who aren't dating any more, be thankful, but read these anyway because some of them apply to your committed relationships too.


THE PRE-SCREENING PROCESS

Don't make too many rules. Seriously. A lot of people make up ridiculous rules like "if she doesn't sleep with me by the third date, I'm calling it off"; or, "if he likes Steven Seagal movies, I can't date him". It's a common human fault to make overly broad generalizations about people based on highly specific actions. Avoid this fault by not making rash comparisons to people you've dated or known before. Every person is different. You should make the effort to figure out someone's qualities based on their own behaviors, instead of listening to ghosts of relationships past.

Figure out what's really important to you (while keeping the previous rule in mind). You can make a list, if you want. Don't be embarrassed about anything on your list, but have a specific reason for every entry on there. Make sure your list consists only of items that are really important, and omit any item if you could tolerate someone who doesn't live up to it.

You should end up with a very short list after this exercise. A guy might assert, "I can't date a woman who weighs more than me." But if he can qualify that statement with, "Well, I would date Kirstie Alley because she's funny", then he should cross the item off his list. But here's an important thing: never, ever, share your list with any potential partner. It only takes one thing on that list to trigger someone's insecurities and doubts.

Quit looking for your soulmate, or your "one true love", or your "knight in shining armor". Unless you're supremely good at fooling yourself, no one will live up to the fantasy you've concocted in your head. Everyone has faults; figure out which ones you can deal with.

Listen to your heart. Sometimes we get caught up thinking about intellectual reasons why we should or shouldn't date a person, and we fail to listen to our instincts. "Well, I'm not really attracted to him, but he's smart and successful and he'd be so good for me." "I think she's great, but I can't date her because my mom wouldn't approve of her". Bzzzzzt. There's a thing called chemistry, and it's important.

Don't, however, think that "chemistry" just means "physical attraction"... it's more about sharing, connecting, laughing at the same jokes, and being comfortable with one another.


THE FIRST DATES

Make the first date casual. Meet somewhere public, and go home alone. Avoid any awkwardness by defining a specific end to the date, before you actually meet.

Send the right signal. Don't want to see him again? Offer him a handshake. Interested in another date? Call her the next day. There's a rhythm to this dance. Corollary: learn to read the signals. Has she not returned your last eight calls? Give it up.

Dates should be fun. If they're not, you're not dating: you're interviewing. Did you laugh and make each other feel good, or did you interrogate and make each other feel uncomfortable? Did it feel like you were in a carnival, or in a classroom? Did you want to keep the date going, or did you want it to end?

Don't assume someone will change for the better. (This is my golden rule.) People should be on their very best behavior at the start of a relationship; the bad stuff should show up later. If he can't be courteous and respectful at the time he should be trying his hardest to make a good impression, then he'll probably never be courteous and respectful; or if he does, it will be disingenuous.

Keep your options open. Dating is dating; it's not an engagement. The purpose of dating is to figure out whether you want to move forward to "commitment". So don't reject someone too quickly before you've given him/her a chance; on the other hand, don't pledge everlasting love to someone too quickly either.


KEEPING IT GOING

Be clear where you stand. Make sure your partner understands if you want an exclusive relationship or not; don't leave things like that to assumptions. Just because you date every Friday night doesn't mean you're "committed".

Make sure your needs are being met. Remember that list you made? Make sure all the items are still checked.

Don't lose yourself in the relationship. Maintain your own identity and assert your own interests.

Create a big network. Meet your date's friends, and the friends' friends. If the relationship ends, you don't want to be left completely alone. Part of what you should be getting out of dating is an ever-expanding social circle. Don't get stuck in a one-on-one situation all the time, isolating yourselves from the rest of the world.

Don't hide your past. It's who you are. Be open about your relationship baggage and how you're dealing with it. This doesn't mean harping about your ex all the time; it just means being honest about your feelings and your needs.

Don't manufacture a crisis. (Also known as "don't be a psycho".) Did he forget to call you? Did she make other plans for Friday? It might not be a reflection on you or your relationship. Unless there's some specific reason to believe that something was done out of malice, don't worry too much about it. You can chalk it up to thoughtlessness, which may be a problem also, but don't exaggerate a problem by assuming things like "she must not like me because she didn't call me right after work." Don't turn things into arguments if they don't need to be.

Don't say "I love you"... if you're not sure.


BREAKING IT OFF :(

Pay attention to red flags. While isolated events aren't necessarily a cause for concern, look for patterns of behavior that you have trouble with. If too many of these patterns emerge, say good-bye; you'll spare yourself a lot of heartache by not trying to justify to yourself why you're "still dating despite all the problems".

Make it clear you're breaking up. Breaking up is tough, I know. But don't leave the relationship in an ambiguous state, just to avoid the finality of the breakup. If you don't want to date any more, make up your mind about that, and make your feelings clear. This is the point where it's no longer okay to keep your options open: when you decide there's no possible future. You can stay friends if you choose to do so, but make sure you understand the boundaries on "friendship".

Don't place undeserved blame. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Don't make criticisms like "you never paid enough attention to me"; all that will do is spark an argument. And don't speak badly about your ex; that does no good for anyone.

Don't give up. It's easy to say "I'm never going to date again", and wallow in your own misery. But don't. You haven't lost your soulmate because there's no such thing as a soulmate. There's someone else out there waiting to meet you.


I have many more tidbits like these, but these seemed like the most important for the first cut.

Good luck out there.
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Posted by Ken in: life

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