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Not That There's Anything Wrong With It
Sunday, 2005 February 27 - 11:52 am
I am not gay. No, really.

Some people have asked me if I'm gay.

I guess that might seem like a reasonable question. I mean, I do have an unusual appreciation for musical theater and TLC's "What Not To Wear". But the answer is, no, I am NOT GAY... and I take umbrage at the suggestion. Please keep your A-1 bottle away from my bunghole.

It seems that many women don't understand quite how OFFENSIVE it is to suggest to a man that he might be gay. You see, it strikes at the very core of the American Masculine Self. In our society, 90% of a heterosexual man's self-worth is attached to his masculine sexual identity. So to tell a man that he is "gay" is like telling a woman that she's, say, "too ugly to be a woman". It's the supreme insult, even if you pose it as a question. "Britney, did you ever consider that you might be too ugly to be a woman?" How would you women react to that?

Look, I'm not condemning homosexuality here. If, as a gay man, you are able to withstand the ridicule and derision that goes along with that identity, then more power to you. I just don't see how you can stand it.

It's not the same for women, by the way. There's that old lesbian double-standard at work. You can be a lesbian and still be feminine. But we don't have that concept for gay men. If you're a gay man, you couldn't possibly be a football player or a Marine drill sergeant. It's unthinkable. Why do you think we have that "don't ask, don't tell" policy? Because the idea of a gay man in the military would undermine its whole tough, macho image.

So let me refute some of the reasons you might question my sexuality:

- I like to dress in nice clothes because it increases my chances of having sex with hot women.
- I learned ballroom dance because it increases my chances of having sex with hot women.
- I like musical theater because I'm a musician and a composer myself; and also, because a night at the theater makes for a good date and increases my chances of having sex with hot women.
- I am thirty-something and still single because... well, okay, I don't have an answer for that one.

The main reason I am not gay, though, is because men are DISGUSTING. I mean, there's all the body hair and the lumpy protrusions and the strange odors... GROSS. I'll never understand what women find attractive about men.

So that's the explanation. Okay? I'm not gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with it.
Permalink  2 Comment   Bookmark and Share
Posted by Ken in: life

Comments

Comment #1 from Crouching Hamster (Guest)
2005 Feb 27 - 12:49 pm : #
You're not gay. You're GRAY. Well, you used to be gray - your house, anyway. And your blog.

And you're right - gay's not bad. In NY, it's good to be gay. Hooray! I think some straight guys take it as a compliment because it implies they have style. (I had one guy tell me he has the "queer eye" but not the "queer pocketbook." He knows how to pick out stylish clothes, but he's not going to spend his own money on them. Which is a shame. He has such potential - visually.)
Comment #2 from Tim (Guest)
2005 Feb 27 - 3:15 pm : #
I don't think it is that easy to figure out why some men are thought of as gay. I have HORRIBLE fashion sense, I am totally uncouth, and I epitomize the lazy american... but I have been asked out at least twice by men.

So whatever it is that gay men desire (at least the ones who asked me out) I HAVE GOT IT!!!!

And I am quite proud.

Anything wrong with that?

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