Real Kato Blog: The Men's Room

I hate public restrooms.

There's just about nothing I like about a public restroom. It's an assault on multiple senses: it smells, there are odd noises, you don't want to look at anything, you don't want to touch anything. There's also that whole thing about airing one's wee-wee in the company of other men. I mean, I haven't done that since that stint I had in prison.

I don't like the little chirpy noise that pee makes as it hits water. And I don't like it when I start to pee at the same time as the guy next to me, because we can hear each other peeing and it becomes a contest to see who can pee longer. And then if I lose the contest, I feel like I still have to stand there, as if I've been holding back some pee in a reserve section of my bladder. "Oh, yeah, I let you win."

I hate having to go Number Two. It's just a little too cozy when I can feel that the seat is still warm from the previous user, even after I've covered the seat in several layers of toilet paper. And then I'm really self-conscious when a loud PLUUUUURT comes out of my butt as soon as I sit down. Sometimes I'll try to muffle the PLUUUUUURT down to a little pffft, using a wad of toilet paper, because I don't want people listening in on all my bowel processes.

The worst is when I have to use the handicapped stall, and the toilet seat is three feet off the ground. Do toilet designers assume that all handicapped people are giants? When I sit on the seat, my feet don't touch the ground. It's like I'm four years old. With my feet dangling in the air like that, I feel like I can't get any leverage to, um, push the crap out.

Invariably, after I flush, some remnant manages to escape the vortex and bubble its way back into the toilet bowl, like it's a character in "Finding Nemo" or something. So I have to flush again. And I'm sure the other guys in the restroom are thinking, "Damn... a double-flusher. That dude has some stanky poo."

And finally, as I exit the stall, I have to come face to face with some other guy, who's thinking about how much he detests all the noises and smells that I've made, and how he has to sit on the toilet seat that I've made warm.

It's the circle of life.

Permalink 5 Comment

Posted by Ken in: funnyhaha

Comments

Comment #1 from Jen (Guest)
2004 Dec 1 - 2:00 am : #

Hmmm... this is a post that I probably could have avoided reading.

Comment #2 from Ken (realkato)
2004 Dec 1 - 10:51 am : #

Hey... I read all your pregnancy and childbirth stuff.

Comment #3 from Javi (Guest)
2004 Dec 1 - 1:13 pm : #

funny entry, noodles - and worth the price of admission just to hear the exchange above this one.

Comment #4 from Crouching Hamster (Guest)
2004 Dec 3 - 12:45 am : #

#1 - I've never gotten that with guys. Why do they pee on front of each other? What's wrong with stalls?

#2 - That takes courage. Especially at the office. I just pretend I'm my cat, Mir. He just stinks up the litter box and walks of proudly.

Comment #5 from Speaker (Guest)
2005 May 16 - 3:19 pm : #

you hate public restrooms? try the washikitoire....

Comments are closed for this post.

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