Real Kato Blog: But Seriously

I don't know how funny I'll be tonight.

Most of the time, I want this blog to be lighthearted. Perky. Funny ha-ha. And most of the time, that's also the way I want to be in person. But I don't know if I can do that tonight.

I felt cranky, tired, and sad all day. I don't know why. I felt like the sad Zoloft blob.

I don't think I'm clinically depressed, not to the point that I need medication (other than the usual narcotic beverages). I just feel a little bit down. It happens every now and then. I think about how the clock is ticking on my life. I question the decisions that I've made, particularly when it comes to relationships. I berate myself for leading a ridiculously unsubstantial existence. I know I'm just being hard on myself... After a while I count my blessings and I move on. But for a period of time, the sadness weighs on me.

I don't need counseling. I know all the theory. I have internal counseling sessions with myself where say, "Self, it's within your power to be happy, or not. It's up to you." And I really believe it. If I didn't believe it, I wouldn't be credible when giving my friends the same advice. But here's the thing: sometimes, this road towards self-fulfillment is just exhausting. You have to keep on fending off all the tribulations that life throws at you, and keep telling yourself that you're stronger than that. But it's tiring, and today I felt especially tired.

So I went running. I went to the park and I ran my two miles in 15:44. And yes, that's another New Ken Record and I'm all proud of myself, but I'm not going to ask for an "Amen" or a "Hell Yes" or a "Damn Skippy", because I've realized that no amount of cheerleading is going to give me the validation that I want. But I'm going to revel in the knowledge that, just like the road to happiness, the road to fitness sometimes has its ups and downs. And sometimes it's tiring, and sometimes I'm completely on my own. But I can do it. I will do it.

Maybe this is more information than people needed to know about me. But that's part of blogging. And that leads into my next article, which may be one of the most important pieces I've written to date.

Permalink 4 Comment

Posted by Ken in: life

Comments

Comment #1 from Crouching Hamster (Guest)
2005 Jul 20 - 12:15 am : #

I think you need a vacation. You really do.
I hope you feel better soon.

Things could be worse. You could have just applied self tanner to the bottom half of your legs, because you have to go to an "interview" (you hope it's that) tomorrow and you're not going to wear stockings, and the tanner went on gloppy either because it's five years old or because it's 90 degrees in your bathroom, and you're sure that now people will think you have skin disease, and the new self tanner that you purchased TWICE and then had to return TWICE, because you needed the cash to pay for your subway card refill, ... where was I?

Comment #2 from Ken (realkato)
2005 Jul 20 - 12:53 am : #

Thanks, love. That made me smile. :)

Comment #3 from Nicholas E (Guest)
2005 Jul 20 - 8:20 am : #

I love that Zoloft blob. When I get down, I say "at least I'm not a depressed fat little blob". I may sometimes look like one, but I'm not one.

Comment #4 from MonoCerdo (Guest)
2005 Jul 20 - 12:07 pm : #

Ugh. Are they putting Weltschmertz in the water these days or what?

I understand the feeling, and I'm sorry, Ken. Almost as sorry as I am for the Crouching Hamster and her blotchy legs. :8}

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