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The Urinal
Wednesday, 2005 January 12 - 10:38 pm
Oh no, it's more bathroom humor.

I believe I should be in the urinal design business.

Granted, it's not a glamorous industry. I don't know if Mom would approve. I think she'd have to lie to my cousins if they asked what I did for a living. That, by the way, is also one reason I'm not in the porn industry. (The other reason is... well, let's not get into the other reason.)

There are several standard urinal designs out there right now, each with their unique deficiencies.

Design number one is the most common design, what I call the "picture frame". It is roughly rectangular, with a little protruding section at the bottom of it where the urinal cake (and the urine) goes. The biggest problem with this design is SPLASH-BACK. When the pee-stream hits the back of the picture frame, it bounces back towards the trousers according to this formula: t = 230.7 / (u^2); or, (number of trouser spots) = 230.7 divided by (distance from the urinal in centimeters, squared). I sometimes carry a calculator with me to the bathroom to determine the optimal distance to avoid splash-back without seeming like a FREAK.

Design number two is the "full length" design, where the urinal extends all the way to the floor. I'm not sure why it's necessary to extend the urinal to the floor, unless there are a lot of short-legged porn actors frequenting that particular urinal. For this design, the splash-back problem also exists, though the formula is slightly different and it's primarily the ankles of the trousers that are affected.

Design number three is the "long bowl". This urinal resembles the lower jaw of a pelican, a mental image which always troubles me. In this design, there is no splash-back, but I find that I'm forced to stand about four feet away from the wall to use the urinal without straddling it. It's an uncomfortably exposed position to be in.

Design number four is the "trough". It's commonly found in sports venues. Here you are forced to squeeze in shoulder-to-shoulder with a bunch of guys, in manner eerily similar to pigs lining up at a feeding trough. The problem I have here is that my pee intermingles with the pee of the people next to me; that's a level of familiarity that I'm just not accustomed to.

Finally, design number five is the "wall". I first encountered this design in a bar in England. You just pee against a wall. Sometimes there's a little raised ledge a few inches away from the wall. We American visitors had a debate on whether one was supposed to stand ON this ledge, or BEHIND it. Standing behind it seemed to be more correct; in my opinion, you should stand as far away from the urine as possible.

I dislike all of these designs. If I were in the industry, I would design the "tube". There would be a foot-wide tube protruding diagonally from the wall, with a hole that extended into infinite blackness, thus letting me avoid any thought of where the pee ended up.

It would also prevent me from having to hear the pee... as my readers know, that is something I hate.
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Posted by Ken in: funnyhaha

Comments

Comment #1 from Crouching Hamster (Guest)
2005 Jan 13 - 3:33 pm : #
I am a so so glad I am not part of this world. I'd have kidney problems.

A very necessary post though.

In the hamster world, we go into stalls. There's no viewing of any pee. And urinal cakes. Those words make me want to vomit. I like cake. I love cake. Who came up with "urinal cakes?"

We never hear the pee either because we chat to one another while we're going. Or else we are very quiet. Much more civilized, I'd say.

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