Banner Logo
Home
The Real Kato
About Me
Twitter
Facebook
Frozen Lunches
Links
Kottke
Daring Fireball
Amalah
Secret Agent Josephine
Dooce
Contact



Archives
Most Recent

2024 March
2005 June
2005 May
2005 April
2005 March
2005 February
2005 January
2004 December
2004 November
2004 October
2004 September
2004 August
2004 July


Categories
All Categories 

bloggers 
books 
commentary 
dating 
food 
funnyhaha 
interesting 
life 
movies 
music 
politics 
reviews 
science 
site-business 
sports 
style 
techwatch 
television 
theater 
travel 


Recent Comments
On College Football 2022: Week 6 Recap and Week 7 Pre...
Ken said:
Yeah, we've both had our share of hope and disappointment in this game. Let's just hope for a good b...
On College Football 2022: Week 6 Recap and Week 7 Pre...
Dan* said:
I'm not sure how I feel about this game. On one hand, I feel pretty optimistic that we have the tale...
On College Football 2022: Week 1 Preview
Dan* said:
Glad to see you'll be back writing football again, Ken! Congrats on the easy win today. You didn't ...
On College Football 2021: Week 10 Recap and Week 11 P...
Ken said:
Yeah, sorry one of our teams had to lose. I've come to appreciate Penn State as a classy and sympath...
On College Football 2021: Week 10 Recap and Week 11 P...
Dan* said:
Hey Ken, congratulations on the win yesterday! Some really odd choices by our coaching staff in that...


<< Previous: Wednesday Wandomness | Next: Thursday Musings >>

Internet Date #00002
Wednesday, 2005 June 15 - 11:44 pm
More long-lost true stories of my Internet dating experiences.

1998.

"My name is Lara! I'm from South Africa!"

Now guys, when a woman says she's from South Africa, doesn't that make you think of Patsy Kensit in "Lethal Weapon 2"? Of course, Patsy Kensit is no more South African than I am. But Patsy can distract people from her Englishness with her perky naked boobs. Plus, the name "Lara" in itself has its own perky-boob connotations, what with "Tomb Raider" and all.

Thus, I had high hopes for my second Internet date. We were still in the period where no one posted pictures of themselves, so I didn't know exactly how close to Patsy Kensit "Lara" was going to be. But when we talked on the phone, she said to me, "Don't worry, I'm not running-away-screaming ugly." And you know, if you SAY that, I would hope that you actually MEAN it.

We arranged to meet at the movie theater. I told her I'd be wearing a yellow shirt, so I'd be recognizable. As I stood there waiting for her, I saw a number of Patsy-ish looking girls, and I kept thinking, "WOW, is that her?" But all the Patsy girls went off with other guys.

Suddenly, there was this little troll-like person trundling towards me. Honestly, Internet, two thoughts went through my head right at that moment:

- Are there any other guys here wearing yellow shirts?
- If I ripped my shirt off and threw it into the bushes, would anyone notice?

You see, this girl WAS running-away-screaming ugly, and it was only a herculean amount of self-control that prevented me from jabbing a fork in my eye to provide enough distraction to make an escape. Oh, I also thought of this bit from Rodney Dangerfield:

I was set up on a blind date once. When I saw the girl, I asked her, "Are you Louise?" She says, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She says, "I'm not Louise."

I've blocked out most of the details of what she was like, but I do remember that she had sunken-in eyes, like black holes. The gravitational force of those eyes would surely have sucked in any perkiness her boobs might have had. Oh, and it probably goes without saying that her name wasn't actually "Lara". I won't say what her actual name was, but it wasn't that far off from "Llama", and that's the name I've always used to remember her.

We went to the movie, and afterwards she wanted to get a drink at a nearby bar. We went, and SURPRISINGLY, I was the only person in the bar who was on a date with a troll! Or a llama! I felt just a WEE BIT self-conscious.

At the end, she said, "So, do you want to go out again?" And I said, "Maybe I'll call you!" And she knew right then that I wouldn't call, and I felt bad about that. But I said to myself, hey, at least I was polite enough not to run away screaming.
Permalink  6 Comment   Bookmark and Share
Posted by Ken in: datingfunnyhaha

Comments

Comment #1 from Phil (Guest)
2005 Jun 16 - 1:25 am : #
Dude, that's harsh!
Comment #2 from pinky (Guest)
2005 Jun 16 - 11:19 am : #
I beg to differ on Patsy Kensit. She has a distinct lack of ANY boobs. And she seems quite willing to display what she doesn't have.
Comment #3 from Crouching Hamster (Guest)
2005 Jun 16 - 5:38 pm : #
Oooo. I actually did an image search (never having heard of her, only Llama) and saw quite a bit.
But, if you don't have the fatty tissue (which is all it really is) to create that oh so coveted man attracting cleavage, you're allowed to do the nipple flaunt. It's in The Rules of Breasts.
Comment #4 from Ken (realkato)
2005 Jun 17 - 1:17 am : #
My followup is here.

Tell me more about the Rules of Breasts... I don't think I have those down yet.
Comment #5 from Meghan (Guest)
2005 Aug 5 - 4:21 pm : #
Ken. Ken Ken Ken. I hope she doesn't read your blog. If she does she will most likely require lots and lots of therapy. A tad harsh. Honest, yes, but harsh. This is why people USE the words like "chemistry" and "butterflies". You kind of reduced her to a caricature. Although unattractive in your eyes, she is human. I think you could have written that in a way that got your point across and was funny, but was less maybe....demeaning. Now off to sensitivity camp!
Comment #6 from Ken (realkato)
2005 Aug 5 - 7:10 pm : #
See? This is why I hate myself.

Comments are closed for this post.
Login


Search This Site
Powered by FreeFind