Real Kato Blog: Internet Date #00002

More long-lost true stories of my Internet dating experiences.

1998.

"My name is Lara! I'm from South Africa!"

Now guys, when a woman says she's from South Africa, doesn't that make you think of Patsy Kensit in "Lethal Weapon 2"? Of course, Patsy Kensit is no more South African than I am. But Patsy can distract people from her Englishness with her perky naked boobs. Plus, the name "Lara" in itself has its own perky-boob connotations, what with "Tomb Raider" and all.

Thus, I had high hopes for my second Internet date. We were still in the period where no one posted pictures of themselves, so I didn't know exactly how close to Patsy Kensit "Lara" was going to be. But when we talked on the phone, she said to me, "Don't worry, I'm not running-away-screaming ugly." And you know, if you SAY that, I would hope that you actually MEAN it.

We arranged to meet at the movie theater. I told her I'd be wearing a yellow shirt, so I'd be recognizable. As I stood there waiting for her, I saw a number of Patsy-ish looking girls, and I kept thinking, "WOW, is that her?" But all the Patsy girls went off with other guys.

Suddenly, there was this little troll-like person trundling towards me. Honestly, Internet, two thoughts went through my head right at that moment:

- Are there any other guys here wearing yellow shirts?
- If I ripped my shirt off and threw it into the bushes, would anyone notice?

You see, this girl WAS running-away-screaming ugly, and it was only a herculean amount of self-control that prevented me from jabbing a fork in my eye to provide enough distraction to make an escape. Oh, I also thought of this bit from Rodney Dangerfield:

I was set up on a blind date once. When I saw the girl, I asked her, "Are you Louise?" She says, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She says, "I'm not Louise."

I've blocked out most of the details of what she was like, but I do remember that she had sunken-in eyes, like black holes. The gravitational force of those eyes would surely have sucked in any perkiness her boobs might have had. Oh, and it probably goes without saying that her name wasn't actually "Lara". I won't say what her actual name was, but it wasn't that far off from "Llama", and that's the name I've always used to remember her.

We went to the movie, and afterwards she wanted to get a drink at a nearby bar. We went, and SURPRISINGLY, I was the only person in the bar who was on a date with a troll! Or a llama! I felt just a WEE BIT self-conscious.

At the end, she said, "So, do you want to go out again?" And I said, "Maybe I'll call you!" And she knew right then that I wouldn't call, and I felt bad about that. But I said to myself, hey, at least I was polite enough not to run away screaming.

Permalink 6 Comment

Posted by Ken in: dating, funnyhaha

Comments

Comment #1 from Phil (Guest)
2005 Jun 16 - 1:25 am : #

Dude, that's harsh!

Comment #2 from pinky (Guest)
2005 Jun 16 - 11:19 am : #

I beg to differ on Patsy Kensit. She has a distinct lack of ANY boobs. And she seems quite willing to display what she doesn't have.

Comment #3 from Crouching Hamster (Guest)
2005 Jun 16 - 5:38 pm : #

Oooo. I actually did an image search (never having heard of her, only Llama) and saw quite a bit.
But, if you don't have the fatty tissue (which is all it really is) to create that oh so coveted man attracting cleavage, you're allowed to do the nipple flaunt. It's in The Rules of Breasts.

Comment #4 from Ken (realkato)
2005 Jun 17 - 1:17 am : #

My followup is here.

Tell me more about the Rules of Breasts... I don't think I have those down yet.

Comment #5 from Meghan (Guest)
2005 Aug 5 - 4:21 pm : #

Ken. Ken Ken Ken. I hope she doesn't read your blog. If she does she will most likely require lots and lots of therapy. A tad harsh. Honest, yes, but harsh. This is why people USE the words like "chemistry" and "butterflies". You kind of reduced her to a caricature. Although unattractive in your eyes, she is human. I think you could have written that in a way that got your point across and was funny, but was less maybe....demeaning. Now off to sensitivity camp!

Comment #6 from Ken (realkato)
2005 Aug 5 - 7:10 pm : #

See? This is why I hate myself.

Comments are closed for this post.

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