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Girlfriend Update: Six Months
Saturday, 2006 February 18 - 2:21 pm
Wow, this is like a record for me.

Six months with Amy. This definitely qualifies as a "long-term relationship" on the Kato scale. Of course, the curve is weighed down by the string of three-week dating stints back in the prime of my match.com days.

We're very much in love. Almost impossibly so. And we're just as shmoopie as we've ever been. The best part of our relationship is that we both agree that we don't want things to be contentious or difficult. We don't want to cause problems for each other. We just want to make each other happy. I think when you get to be a little older, you stop thinking of relationships in terms of "am I getting what I want?", and you start thinking of "how can we make this the best thing in the world for the BOTH of us?"



As you might guess, a major topic of conversation lately is: just when do we do the Big M? And I'm a little torn about that, because although I want to be cautious and thoughtful and not rush into anything, I'm not exactly getting any younger here. And all indications are that Amy is The One. She's, uh, the Neo of my Matrix. Or maybe the other way around. (WHOA.)

I'm soliciting feedback from any married or engaged folks out there: when did you know it was the right time? How long had you been together? Was there a specific moment? Did something trigger the decision, or did you just wake up one morning and think, "Gee, we should probably be engaged by now"?
Permalink  12 Comment   Bookmark and Share
Posted by Ken in: datinglife

Comments

Comment #1 from SAJ (Guest)
2006 Feb 18 - 3:17 pm : #
I never had that magic moment where everything drops into place. I've just noticed that things do get better and better.
Comment #2 from christina (Guest)
2006 Feb 18 - 3:49 pm : #
If you know, you know. Some people are self aware like that. Some people are self aware, but wait a little bit because society prefers it that way. Some people aren't that self aware and have to wait a little longer to be sure they're making the right decision.

My husband and I dated three months and then were engaged for 3 months. We've now been married more than 3 years. If you've dated enough people to know you're with someone head and shoulders above the rest, why wait?

I'm always suspicious of those people in their late twenties and thirties who wait 5 years (or more) to get engaged. If they couldn't determine this person was the One in a year or so, maybe they just settled for each other.
Comment #3 from Crouching Hamster (Guest)
2006 Feb 18 - 4:45 pm : #
I'm not married or engaged, but you do make one handsome couple!
Comment #4 from Lisa V (Guest)
2006 Feb 18 - 6:08 pm : #
Bert and I met on October 4 1986. On October 5 I called my mom and told her I had met the person I was going to marry. We moved in together 4 days later. I officially gave up my apartment and moved all my stuff in on February 1st. We were married June 29, 1987. It was inevitable, so we just jumped. So it was fast, but it felt immediately comfortable with both of us. It wasn't just the "wow I am hot for this person" it was "I genuinely like this person." We were best friends right off. That is the key. We have been together twenty years this year. And yes, you are right, we never have to "work" at it. We do have to be concious and gracious and patient. But ultimately I still " like" him as a person and a friend.

Very happy for you by the way. Very cute couple.
Comment #5 from Jenn (Guest)
2006 Feb 19 - 1:00 am : #
How did we know? We just...knew. Which is not very helpful, but true. We never had any doubt. We met on the internet, met in person in October of 1999, he moved here in March 2000, were engaged in July 2001 (the only reason that we waited that long was to get him settled with a job first) and were married in September 2001.

And by the way, "I'm not getting any younger here" was not anywhere on my list of "how do we know we should get married?".
Comment #6 from MonoCerdo (Guest)
2006 Feb 19 - 11:18 am : #
Smokin' picture!

I am in my late twenties, and Jason & I were together for 5 years before getting engaged, not because we didn't know if it was right, but because neither of us placed as much importance on being legally married as we did on just being together. Marriage obviously means different things to different people, but being married isn't going to change our commitment level. If I thought it would, I'd have to question why it is that we're getting married in the first place. Engaged or not, I'm glad you have such a great relationship and are enjoying your time together (which is, after all, what matters most).
Comment #7 from Jen (Guest)
2006 Feb 19 - 12:27 pm : #
We had lived together for a long time (seven years, I think) and were still as ridiculously happy as ever. Neither of us was particularly pro-marriage... we didn't feel that we needed that validation of our relationship. No piece of paper was going to make us any happier.

But, eventually we realised that we wanted to have kids someday. We both felt that marriage was important for the kids to feel that they had a stable family, not to mention simplifying school parenting issues.

There are also nifty perks associated with marriage, so we thought that we might as well take advantage of those, too. Like we finally got to sleep together when visiting our parents! Hee!

Perhaps this sounds very clinical, but for us, the wedding wasn't really about love or commitment. We already had both of those. The wedding didn't change that, though I suppose that it did indicate our commitment to the world. I suppose that it is nice that everyone else recognizes how important our union is to us.

Our reasons were practical, but everything about the proposal, engagement, and wedding, was romantic and lovely, just as it should be. I loved my wedding; it was gorgeous. Thanks for being there and dancing with me, Ken! I'm glad that everything is going so well for you and Amy!
Comment #8 from LizD (Guest)
2006 Feb 19 - 4:29 pm : #
Hubs and I 'just knew' almost right away. We starting talking of marriage at about 6 weeks, but waited until we had known each other 6 months before he proposed. Funny reactions from the parents - mine thought we were rushing things and his said "it's about time!" We married 4 months later, in March 1988. Yup, coming up fast on our 18 year anniversary, and it's still wonderful!
Comment #9 from jane (Guest)
2006 Feb 19 - 9:06 pm : #
We dated for 14 months before we got engaged, but I think we both knew after about eight months. We were, however, still in college, so marriage was not feasible at that point. We were engaged for a year (again, the college thing), and we will be celebrating our 15th Wedding Anniversary in April.

For us, I think the "knowing" came about gradually, as we realized that, yes, we probably could live without each other, but neither of us wanted to. And yes, after 15 years of marriage and three kids, we are still "shmoopie," too!
Comment #10 from Noelle (Guest)
2006 Feb 20 - 9:42 am : #
12 months dating, engaged for 15 months (because I was planning a wedding in one part of country while living in a different part). Lived together for most of the engagement and happily married for 3 1/2 years. I never gave it much thought, this is just how it turned out. I knew at 6 months... and he knew it too (frankly I knew after our 2nd date). I think the extra 6 months was so he could come up with ring money and live out his appartment lease.
Comment #11 from Crouching Hamster (Guest)
2006 Feb 24 - 6:57 pm : #
What's the penalty if you wait?

Have you met her family? Have you undertaken any (non-religious or whatever your preference is) premarital discussions re: long-term personal, professional, and societal goals; values, child care, having children, aborting children, education, money, religion, divorce, etc. Sometimes these things just "fall into place," usually because you come from similar backgrounds (assortive mating), or you develop these values and goals jointly. Other times, they require a little consideration - esp. when it means forever.

Time isn't a factor - unless you're Catholic and have a baby on the way! And even then, it's really not a factor.

(This is not from me. It's group advice and questions from my three married siblings.)

Ask me in a few years!
Comment #12 from John C (Guest)
2006 Feb 24 - 7:49 pm : #
I struggled mightly over the decision, and considered it for a very long time.
Ultimately, deciding to get maried (I did not say being in love, or living together, or caring deeply about each other, because those do not nessicarily have anything to do with being married) was a practical decision. I think that to truly decide if marriage is it for you, you have to go through some kind of difficult time. I falling out, a period of dissatisfaction, SOMETHING. Before you know. Cause it will happen sooner or later, and knowing how you handle it as a couple is essential.

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