Real Kato Blog: The Dating Handbook: Post-Breakup Guilt

(This is part of a continuing series on dating and relationships.) Most of us have been in the position of dumping someone, or rejecting their initial advance. There's a feeling of guilt that goes along with this, and that feeling can often be misinterpreted.

It seems, at the moment, that I'm on both sides of this.

On the one hand, there's my ex-girlfriend, with whom I broke up earlier this year. (If I need to refer to her in the future, I'll call her "Connie", though that's not her real name.) I find that I still feel responsible for her happiness, and that makes me feel like I need to see her. The trouble is, those emotions mix with feelings of loneliness and regret, and I start to forget the reasons why we broke up in the first place. It makes me tempted to get back together with her, and I have to remind myself constantly why that would be a bad idea.

On the other hand, there's this really beautiful girl who ended up dumping me... I still have an enormous crush on her. (I'll call her "Lily".) And now, she's e-mailing, calling, and inviting me over for dinner. We're not spending that much time together, but the fact that she wants to see me at all seems like something. Still, I don't believe her conscious intention is to try to start a relationship again.

I think, instinctively, we all want to be liked, and we don't want to feel as if we've done something wrong. Dumping someone is one of the most painful things we can inflict, and it's hard not to feel like a bad person when we do it. Perhaps that's why so many people stay in bad relationships.

It's probably okay to spend time with ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends. But we somehow need to recognize why we're doing it, and where it's going.

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